Diogenes, 19 février 1869, vendredi 19 février 1869

tjffm Wlry, i]f FVol.I Montreal, 19th February, 1869, ¦Five Cents.Price mniiirîj Wp, üüfe-: fîNüiiiiiiiiuiiiSui;; Sisai é'Æ mm ês&à&W u: ÉÊ'MÊÊÊâ .S»! SS iv" you want fjBETTER ” M* /A* ) .sk for the jc’S FRIEND 'take no other.GOULD & HILL, Importers of p IANOFORTES CABINET ORGANS, MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS.116 Gt.St.James St.Montreal.HOICE,; VIOLETS.“ SUPERFINE,” and “ EXTRAS,” in 2, 3j, 5, 1*1.1 :ms.and 7 lb.Jars.xciLsr.A.xxYxixr’s Xa X.” Also, IOO Kegs STEWING PRUNES.ALEX.McGIBBON.¦W HISKY.Dublin exhibition, verv wholesome.1865.—This Ce’ebrafed IRISH WHISKY gained the DUBLIN PRIZE MEDAL.It is pure, mild, mellow, delicious, and Observe the red seal, oink label,and cork branded “ Kinahan’s LL Whisky.’* ALEX.McGIBBON, Italian Warehouse.(Established 1859.) ENRY R GRAY, DISPENSING & FAMILY CHEMIST 144 St.Lawrence Main Street.Svapnia, a new prepaiation of Opium ; Sweet Quinine, a definite Chemical Salt ; Bailey’s Inhalers ; Sulphurous Acid, & Sulphur Pastilles.PHOTO-RELIEVO : A new style of Portraiture introduced by W.Notman, Photographer to the Queen, Montreal.—Branches : Ottawa and Toronto.Call and see them.VEIR&CO.APER MAKERS, OLESALE iATIONERS and £3UNT-BOOK k'.s'UFACTURERS, 160 W.S.WALKER, Treasurer.Montreal, 16th Jan., 1869.DRY GOODS.1869.WB.BOWIE & CO., a Staple & Fancy Dry Goods, 395.Notre Dame Street.395.75 Winter Mantles, handsomely trimmed and lined, from 17s.6d.25 Heavy All-Wool Shawls, Black and White Check and others, from 17s 6d.20 dozen Clouds, with fancy borders, from 3s gd.25 dozen Colored Clouds (assorted), from 2s 6d.10 dozen White and Scarlet Clouds, English make (best), from 6s 3d.500 yards Aberdeen Winceys, from is.500 yards Rich, Fancy Dress Goods (Job) to clear, from is.800 yards Rich, Fancy Dress Goods (best), from is 6d.25 pieces Brown French Merinoes, 2s gd.20 pieces Brown French Merinoes (best), 3s 6d.Also, Hoop Skirts, Fancy Neck-Ties, Linen Goods, Scotch and Canada Tweeds, and a varied assortment of Small Wares.Liberal inducements offered to cash customers for the above lines, to clear odd lots.W.B.BOWIE & CO.A NEW DRY GOODS FIRM._ __ On the 20th of March next, the new Dry Goods Firm of Brown, Claggett & McCarvili.e will open the large store 463 Notre Dame Street.The members of this firm have for many years been connected with the Dry Goods business, and thoroughly understand all its details.Their numerous friends in this city will, we have no doubt, be glad to hear of their commencing business under such favourable circumstances.The fact of their being related to some of the leading Silk Velvet and Poplin Manufacturers of the United Kingdom, will enable the new firm to hold out inducements such as are seldom offered to the public.They intend making a speciality of Silks, Velvets, Irish Poplins, Mantles and Shawls, but they will also keep a large assortment of first class Dry Goods.We take this opportunity of wishing the new firm success.—Montreal Daily News, Jan.20th.BOOKS and STATIONERY.A L A S K A .TRAVEL AND ADVENTURE IN THE TERRITORY OF ALASKA, (Formerly Russian America,) And in various other parts of the North Pacific.By Frederick Whymper.Price 82.00.For sale by DAWSON BROS., 55 to 59 Great St.James Street.A LL the New Books of the SEASON, in great variety, at WORTHINGTON’S, 101 GREAT ST.JAMES STREET.Boston “ Planchette,” and a small Volume on the theory of Planchette—the most mysterious Puzzle of modern times, Wholesale and Retail.ENGRAVERS.'C'EBRUARY NUMBER X OF THE NE W DOMINION MO NTH L Y NOW READY.PORTRAIT OF C.J.BRYDGES, Esq.CONCLUSION OF THE “CRUCIBLE.” TEN ORIGINAL PAPERS.INTERESTING SELECTIONS.ORIGINAL MUSIC.VALUABLE FAMILY READING.SOMETHING FOR ALL CLASSES.THE ONLY LITERARY MONTHLY IN THE DOMINION.Price Ten Cents ; $1 per Annum.SPECIAL INDUCEMENTS.To all new Subscribers, after this date, for the New Dominion Monthly Magazine, beginning with the New Year, we will send gratis the Numbers for October, November, and December, so that they may be supplied from the commencement of the volume, which began with October.Subscription, One Dollar.The Magazine will be sent post-paid.JOHN DOUGALL & SON, Montreal.MUSIC.MISS ISAACSON, 67 ST.GABRIEL STREET, Has Vacancies for a few more Pupils in Music and Singing.G EO.BISHOP & CO., FASHIONABLE ENGRAVERS AND PRINTERS 53 Great St.James Street, Montreal.MONOGRAMS and VISITING CARDS A Specialty.Elements of geome TRICAL OPTICS, by N.F.Dupuis, A.M., Astronomical Observer to Queen’s College, Kingston.This new work contains a concise yet com prehensive view of the elementary principles of Practical Optics.It is intended for the use of Canadian Students.Price, free by mail.$1.00.Discount tor quantities.Address,— John Henderson, Bookseller, Kingston.A/EAR BOOK IN SETS.X Parties wishing to procure the Year Book in Sets since the commencement, 1867.1868, and 1869, can get them at Dawson Brothers, or the Office of the Publishers, 67 Great St.James Street.An extra special edition has been printed to supply the back numbers.The price of the set is Si.The edition of 1869, on superior paper with cover.25 cents; cheap edition, 12^ cents.CHEMISTS.D R.PERRIN’S FUMIGATOR,— A new and successful remedy for Catarrh, Bronchitis, Ministers’ Sore Throat, Hoarseness, etc.Price.2«;c.Turner’s Tic-Doloreux, or UNIVERSAL NEURALGIA PILL For those excruciating ills known as Neuralgia or Nerve Ache.Price.$1.00.BUNTER’S “NERVINE,” For destroying the Sensitive Nerves of Decayed Teeth, at the same time forming a Stopping, rendering the operation of extraction seldom necessary.Price.50c.ROWLAND’S ENGLISH HAIR RESTORER, For restoring Gray Hair to its Original Color.This invaluable preparation keeps the head clean, and is unequalled as a Hair-dressing.Price.75c.The above for Sale at R.S.LATHAM’S, CHEMIST, &c., Corner Bleury & Craig Sts.A T GARDNER’S EAST IS.END DRUG STORE the most fastidious can be pleased in the article of PERFUMERY.Jnst received, from Paris, an extensive assortment 'of French Perfumes, very select and very superior.211 and 213 NOTRE DAME STREET, Corner of St.Gabriel Street.J.GARDNER, Proprietor.ONE LARGE (or 50c.size) Bottle of Spencers Horehound and Cherry Balsam is warranted to CURE THE MOST VIOLENT COUGH.RICHMOND SPENCER, Chemist, Comer of McGill and Notre Dame Streets.C YRUPS ! SYRUPS ! ! v./ Warranted from the Fruit, and not from the artificial essences.Just arrived from England a large selection of FRUIT SYRUPS for retail trade only.HENRY R.GRAY, Dispensing and Family Chemist, 144 St.Lawrence Main Street, (Established 1859.) CONFECTIONERS.(.Established 1842.) CHAS.ALEXANDER & SON 391 NOTRE DAME STREET, PREPARE Jellied Turkeys, Game Pies, Ornamented Hams, Salad, &c.Italian Cream, and Pyramids of all kinds, Jellies, Blancmange, &c.Marriage Breakfasts and Supper Parties supplied at moderate prices.CHAS.ALEXANDER & SON. DIOGENES.February 19, 1869.151 THE SIMPKINS CORRESPONDENCE.No.6.Uncle John visits Montreal and, after some difficulty, succeeds in finding his nephew.He recounts his experiences in a letter to his sister.To Mrs.Simpkins, Simpkinsville, Ontario.My Dear Sister :—I arrived in Montreal by the evening train having been detained twenty-four hours by the snow.I was cold, cross and hungry, and proceeded immediately to Jerry’s boarding house.(It turns out to be the very one I lived in myself thirteen years ago, when it was kept by the widow C-.) I was shown up to Jerry’s room.Over the door was a sign-board on which was painted in black letters on a light blue ground, “ Straw bonnets cleaned.” There were two bell-handles to the door and two brass knockers.I plied one of the latter vigorously.There was some movement inside and immediately afterwards the door opened, revealing to my astonished gaze, two young gentlemen,—evidently students,—playing a game called “ Euchre,” and puffing prodigious clouds from short clay pipes.They had before them two tumblers, a lemon and a bottle of Scotch whiskey, and seemed to be particularly jolly, under what I am bound to regard as discreditable circumstances.The walls were covered with pictures, delineating the human form divine, and here and there was hung an extraordinary number of bell-handles, brass knockers, signboards, and barbers’ poles et hoc genus omne.In a corner stood the stalwart figure of a Highlander, holding in one hand a bundle of cigars and in the other a snuff-box.It struck me at the time that I had seen that Highlander before, but I refrained from saying as much in the presence of the young gentlemen,—as yet perfect strangers to me.They informed me that Mr.Simpkins was not in that, in fact, he had been, since eleven o’clock, attending a case at the Maternity Hospital.I thought there must be some mistake in this and enquired whether it was usual for first-year students to visit that institution, adding, that it was not the practice in my time.“ Perhaps not” replied one of the young Sawbones, with a glance of intelligence at his neighbour, “but things have so improved of late that a sharp first-year student often knows more than an old school doctor.” The young jackanapes was not far wrong as the sequel proves, but he angered me considerably.“Since the first-year students are so advanced,” said I, “ kindly tell me what the second-year men do ?" “ Oh ! ” said he, as cool as a cucumber “they perform all the principal operations in the Hospital such as lithotomy, &c.The doctors there are all such a set of muffs that they could not get on without us ! ” Not feeling altogether satisfied with the rejoinder and not wishing to enter into a discussion with boys, I left the room, went down stairs and enquired for the landlady, Mrs.O’Toole.She speedily made her • appearance and informed me that Jerry never could be depended upon.He might not be in that night at all, as the students had just got over the University Lectures, and they would probably pay their respects to the Professors and others of their acquaintance.She informed me that Jerry was a very nice young man, but that, of late, he had not been regular in his payments, and she had been compelled to put him in a room with two others, similarly circumstanced.His board and lodging cost him just $4 a week.After taking some refreshment I sallied forth and made the best of my way to the Maternity Hospital.Here the matron did not know Mr.Simpkins, even by name.Feeling somewhat disgusted, I determined on visiting the dissecting room, where I encountered half a dozen young scapegraces who assured me that “ Simpkins had left early with the intention of sitting up all night with a sick student.” They could not tell me where, however, and I began to have an idea that I was being systematically bamboozled.It was getting late and I determined on going back to Mrs.O’Toole’s, and awaiting Jerry’s return.On my way, I encountered a crowd standing in the middle of a street opposite to Mrs.-Seminary.(You know Mrs.-, the strong-minded lady who created such a hubbub because Parson-took such a warm interest in the cheeks and chins of the pupils.) In the middle of this crowd which I had no difficulty in discovering consisted entirely of students, each armed with a " femur,” and shouting “jolly dogs ” with all their might, I recognized your hopeful son.While I was regarding him with speechless astonishment, he led off an alphabetic ditty in twenty-six verses commencing “A was an Artery.” This was followed by “Vive La Compagnie in extemporary verse containing no end of compliments to the young ladies of the school.While this was going on, two policemen who had been calmly regarding the scene, were accosted, apparently by a resident of the neighborhood, and asked why they did not interfere ?They said they never meddled with students—that game had been tried and it did not answer.The only persons they had orders to arrest, after nightfall, for singing in the streets were the military officers.There was never much difficulty with them because they could not afford to resist.It was more than their Commissions were worth.Judge of my astonishment on seeing Jerry, immediately after the serenading was over, walk up to the door of the Seminary, dexterously wrench off the knocker, ring the bell and, on the appearance of the servant, send in the compliments of the Dean of the Faculty ! This was too much for me.I walked up to the door and caught the young reprobate by the shoulder.Probably deeming me a detective, he immediately planted his fist in my right eye, which has been discoloured ever since, necessitating the use of a green shade.As soon as I opened my lips in reproof, the young rascal recognised me.“ What, Uncle John ?” cried he.“ Bless my soul ! who would have thought of seeing you ?How are you, and how did you leave mother and Jane ?” (You see, even in the midst of that orgy his first thoughts turned to home and to you.) “ Uncle John, Uncle John ! ” shouted the crowd.“ Bully for Uncle John ! Three cheers for Uncle John! Pass him up!” and forthwith I was hoisted on to the shoulders of half-a-dozen brawny youths who frantically declared that I was a jolly good fellow and insisted on “ drinks ” at the nearest tavern, after which it was arranged that we should sup at “The Terrapin,”—a hostelry ¦with which Jerry seemed well acquainted.We had the supper but I do not exactly remember where.I have a sort of contused recollection o^ marble tables, fried oysters and champagne, and a host who would make a good Falstaff or Sir Toby Belch.But I will let you know more about it in my next.In the meantime I intend to have a serious talk with Jerry, who has evidently acquired extravagant habits and is not sufficiently attentive to his studies.Believe me, Your affectionate Brother, John Simpkins.P.S.—An elderly individual has brought me a bill of $20.50 for the supper last night.It appears Master Jerry declared I promised to pay for it ! The messenger called me by my name and asked me if I did not remember him ?On being answered in the negative he insisted that he had made my acquaintance many years ago, when he and two others (policemen), had endeavoured to arrest some students who had carried a Highlander from a tobacco store in Great St.James’ street.I had some difficulty in persuading him that I did not remember.ONE FOR J.J.Under the head of Dramatic Gossip, the London Athenæum announces that “ A new aud very handsome theatre, to be called the Academy of Music, has been completed in Montreal.The exterior is Tuscan in architecture and the interior florid Rennaisance.It is calculated to seat 1600 spectators.” Diogenes considers the Academy of Music, so far as its present existence is concerned, to be of the order of architecture of “ Les Chateaux en Espagne.” AN APPARENT LIBEL.When Disraeli, during his Premiership, was vigorously defending him self in the House against the attacks of Gladstone, it is said that he sipped rather frequently from a glass in which the water was flavoured with- well, well, Diogenes never believed the rumour, and will, therefore, say no more about it.At the same time he maintains, that no sensible man, who looks at Disraeli’s head, can doubt for one moment that he is a Dizzy-pated man ! NOUS VERRONS.Nova Scotia, according to Mr.Plowe, has every reason to be perfectly satisfied.He must tell that to the Marines in Hants, and perhaps they won’t believe him. DIOGENES.152 February, 19 1869.NEW READINGS FROM SHAKSPERE.Macbeth.—Part III.By the bleak heath side, three witches ride, But course not through the air, No broomsticks mount, as tales recount, But ride on Shanks’s mare.Those sisters wierd, have each a beard, (Most other she’s have not,) And dead men’s features, the horrid creatures Are boiling in a pot.While the witches are looking, intent on their cooking, Macbeth on the scene in a hurry arrives, And demands to be told,;—for he will not be sold,— What’s to come of his own and some other folks’ lives.The witches still walking, and cooking, and talking, Ask “ whether he’ll know from themselves or their master So, as he rather cross is, he says “ Fetch your bosses, We’ll get through the work all the better and faster.” Apparitions then come, who frighten him “ some,” And explain that he’s safe till some marvel doth hap : One says “ Macduff kill !” Macbeth says “ I will,” “ That’s right,” says the Ghost, as it goes down the trap.A second astonishes, as he admonishes, Because he declares that Macbeth’s life is charmed, And as he’s a true man, swears by none born of woman Shall a hair of Macbeth’s head hereafter be harmed.The third thinks it’s stuff, about killing Macduff, Adds, “ Macbeth is all right for some time yet to pass, But that Birnam’s wood will step to Dunsinane Hill When its U.P.with him”—Macbeth thinks him an ass ! As Macbeth is returning, his wits rather addled, Rosse meets him and tells him Macduff has skedaddled, “ Let him rip,” says Macbeth, “ as I can’t take his life I’ll cut into quarters his children and wife.” Which he does with a vengeance and great expedition, Though the prompter 11 cuts ” this in the acting edition, And takes the scene on from the land of brown heather To Macduff and the Prince who are talking together.Macbeth tells the Prince, it is time he should try To get back his kingdom,—to win it or die ; But the Prince thinking this is all planned by Macbeth To lure him to Scotland, and so to his death, Replies that he’s grown such a black-hearted villain, Caring only for drinking, and dicing and killing, That he really believes (here he laughs in his sleeves) He appoints as his councillors robbers and thieves Which of course on his reigning must put quite a stopper ;— Here he pauses to see the effect of this whopper ! Macduff at his statement looks awfully blue, And says, as their King, that he never will do, Which shows the young Prince that Macduff is a true man, (Although he’s the cove that was born of no woman.) Then he tries to retreat.Macduff says it won’t act, He can’t believe both ways, and that’s a “ tall fact ; ” But ere he has time with the question to tussle A man rushes on in a deuce of a bustle, And tells young Macduff a most horrible story How his wife and his children have all gone to glory, “ And more,” he continues, “ though this, sir, no worse is, “ Having butchered your children, he kissed all the nurses !” Macduff sets to, weeping, while here I may say Of the nurses no mention is made in the play, Because Mistress Shakspere—a virtuous sample— Thought “ Will ” might p’raps follow the Scotch King’s example.And if there’s one thing which makes wives black as spades ’Tis finding their husbands too thick with the maids.In a deuce of a flurry, and worry, and scurry, Macduff posts away, fast as horses can hurry, Raising troops as he goes, raising dust as he rides, And raising no end of a shindy besides.Then he mustered his soldiers in columns and squares, In sections, in echelon, in fours and in pairs, Countermarched round the centre,—a movement divine If you don’t club the men in regaining your line, Which so often occurs if you’re not an old stager, You’re apt to be slanged by the fussy old Major.Macduff gave command and each soldier that could Cut a branch from a tree in the famed Birnam wood, And on Dunsinane marched without “ blink o’ his e-e,” Fulfilling the terms of the third prophecy.Soon they’re seen from the wall, and Mac then lets fall Expressions I’d rather not mention at all.A combat ensues between him and Macbeth All over the stage till they’re both out of breath ; Macduff’s a gone coon, and none surely can doubt it, That is if they’ve seen Edwin Adams about it, For he cuts and he thrusts, and he stamps on the boards, And plays old Henricus with property swords ; While you think, from the sound that is made by the fiddles, That the leader has got the delirium twiddles, A disease that transports you from mirth to the dumps, Which jocular subalterns nickname “ the jumps.” Macbeth says “ Ha ! Ha ! It’s no use your fightin’, You’re born of a woman,—so you’re not the right ’un ” ; “ Not I,” said Macduff, and he goes on to state Some surgical facts which I needn’t relate ; Suffice it to say that with one parting lunge Macbeth says “ I’m done, here I throw up the sponge.” So that foiled in his rage he lies down on the stage And dies in the fortieth year of his age.Lady M., seeing fighting, says “ Dear me ! It's odd in ’em, I’ll do for myself with a bottle of laudanum ! So that constant in life they’re united in death And end the proud line of the Lords of Macbeth.ENTOMOLOGICAL INSTINCT.An evening paper, in its sensational description of the late execution, has the following words : “ The event threw its shadow, apparently, on all the surroundings, and I recall particularly, that I noticed a solitary fly creeping along the end of my nose with intense interest and curiosity.” As a jail in Ottawa on the rrth of February, must, as a rule, be frigid, it is hard to understand what could have tempted a fly voluntarily to enter its precincts.No wonder that it was filled “ with intense interest and curiosity” at discovering a reporter’s nose there—no wonder that it crept along the end of that nose, to obtain the full measure of caloric which the blushing organ seemed, hospitably, to promise ! Diogenes cannot help thinking of the flea that stuck upon Bardolph’s nose, and of what the profane Falstaff compared it to.______________ ADVICE GRATIS.Many misfortunes admit of remedy—(for instance, the Surgeons can replace lost noses)—more, of alleviation, for which Diogenes, His Book, is an unfailing prescription ; and all may be pitied.Having this in his eye, the Philosopher showers his distinguished commiseration over the two hundred and thirty-seven distracted contractors who, alas ! proffered contracts in vain.And he does more—he favours them with advice ! “ Disappointed ones,” he says, “ another opportunity will soon occur ; when you try again, do this and fail not : attach engines to your tenders, and drive them into the commission and acceptance.” February 19, 1869.DIOGENES.153 HIGHLY CREDITABLE REFERENCES.The following statement of facts was recently cut by Diogenes from a Scotch newspaper :— “ A comparison of some statistics relating to Ireland and Scotland leads to references highly creditable to the latter country, and which ought to supply a motive for energy and activitv in Ireland.The population of Ireland is 5,768,567 ; of Scotland 3,062,294.The property assessed to Income-tax amounts in Ireland to *23,123,333 ; in Scotland to £27,137,919.There are 23 distilleries in Ireland, but 112 in Scotland.Under the head of Fisheries, we find that Scotland cured 830,094 barrels of herrings, of which Ireland, whose seas teem with that fish, purchased 80,000 barrels, the contents of which were probably netted off her own shores.The expenditure on the poor in Scotland is larger than in Ireland, the amount being £761,934 against £605,981.We may add that the quantity of whisky ‘used’ ill Ireland was 5,910,061 gallons, in Scotland 7,691,760.” The Cynic is compelled to state that, after reading the above printed statistics, he has arrived at certain conclusions which differ materially from those of the writer quoted.He denies emphatically that the existence of “23 distilleries in Ireland, and of 112 in Scotland,” shows a difference of 89 in favour of North Britain, or is “ highly creditable to that country.” On the contrary, it is as lamentable and discreditable as the fact that, while the population of Ireland exceeds that of Scotland by 2,706,273 souls, the Caledonians consume more whiskey than the Patlanders by 1,781,699 gallons.When Scotland devotes to the cure of her drunkards the same energy that she displays in the curing of her herrings, she will doubtless meet with proportionate success, and no longer be forced to expend on her poor so large an annual sum as .£761,934.Those 112 distilleries are the cause of almost all the crime, madness, misery, and pauperism of the country : and if, in spite of them, “ auld Scotia” ranks high among the world’s nations, what superiority might she not attain if they were banished for ever from her land ?Diogenes, as a lover of strict justice, will not attempt to conceal his conviction that the “ poteen” manufactured on the sly, partially accounts for the fact that the distilleries of Ireland are, comparatively so few.MYSTERIOUS ANNOUNCEMENT.The attention of Diogenes has been drawn to the following notice in the Gazette of last Monday : Presentation.—Yesterday morning, a number of gentlemen from Chicago called on Mr.J.A.Perkins, jr., and presented to him a splendid gold watch and chain, worth $250.The watch bore the following inscription :—Presented to J.A.Perkins, jr., as a memento of distinguished services.“J.A.Perkins, junr.!” Surely Diogenes has seen that name before.But where ?In the directory or on a door-plate,—in a newspaper or on a bill ?He knows not, and for that reason writes the present speculative paragraphs.The Cynic- having only recently turned up in the Dominion, is anxious to ascertain who J.A.Perkins, junr., is, and what “ distinguished services ” he has rendered to “ a number of gentlemen from Chicago.” Is the fortunate recipient of this “splendid gold watch,” of English, Scotch, or Irish extraction?Is he a Canuck or a Yankee, or that nondescript amalgam, an Eastern Townships’ man ?The Gazette, having excited the curiosity of the public, is almost bound to elucidate its enigmatical “ item.” Who are these mysterious visitors from Chicago, and why did they select the Sabbath as the most fitting day for presenting their “ donation ” ?There is a secret underlying this arrangement, which has yet to be unearthed.Can these freehanded gentry possibly be Fenian conspirators, and can J.A.Perkins, junr., have undertaken to hand over to them our fair city?This gentleman should be carefully watched, for we cannot use too much caution in these troublous times.Or, are they Express Robbers, who have been liberated through the agency of J.A.Perkins, junr.?In that case, the Cynic recommends him at once to make certain that his “ splendid gold watch ” is not stolen property.Or, has the genius of J.A.Perkins, junr., invented a new “ Cock-tail ” especially for Chicagonians, or elaborated some improvements in the game of Euchre ?Or, finally, (for the Cynic is bewildering himself with vague speculations) has J.A.Perkins, junr., supposing that such a personality really exists, merely hoaxed a reporter for the sake of an advertisement ?Diogenes pauses for a reply.DU SUBLIME AU RIDICULE IL N’Y A QU’UN PAS.Diogenes has a high respect for the Institution of the Christian Brothers, and feels certain that none of these gentlemen supervised the address which their pupils, on a recent occasion, presented to the Governor-General.A fortnight ago the Cynic gave a short lecture on English grammar to a soi-disa?it “ School-boy,” and he now, with the kindest intentions, offers a few suggestions for the consideration of the pupils above mentioned :— Young Gentlemen : I recommend you to compare with your own gaudy grandiloquence the terse and vigorous reply of His Excellency Sir John Young.It may, perhaps, prove an antidote to your love of pompous declamation, and deter you in future from splashing in the froth of your own rhetoric.When you are rejoiced at anything, be careful not to say (as you lately did) that it “ causes your youthful hearts to palpitate with jubilation.” Under such circumstances, my young friends, if you have described your symptoms correctly, you stand in urgent need of medical treatment.Again—“ to repose beneath the ægis of your able administration” is a time-honoured rhetorical flourish ; but a blanket is preferable to an ægis during the severity of our Canadian winter, and forms a more comfortable, though less classical, covering.In conclusion, when next you speak, of leaving school, avoid referring to the time when the “ halcyon season of our school-days shall have been engulfed in the past.” Refrain from fustian : prune your flowers of speech ; and talk English, not “Johnsonese.” Take the sound advice of Diogenes and Dean Alford-—“ call a spade a ‘spade,’ not an oblong instrument of manual husbandry.” The edge of the Philosopher’s cynicism has been considerably blunted during his residence in Montreal.He abstains, therefore, from criticizing the sweetly-sentimental address presented by a young lady at the “mountain solitude” of Villa Maria.But the following gushing passage must have proved almost too much for His Excellency :— “Fain would we strew the way with flowers, as when your noble predecessor and his gracious lady came in the lovely summer time to crown our efforts at the termination of the scholastic year, but though stern winter has blighted the fair scenes, we can proffer Your Excellency flowers which shall never fade,—fervent wishes for your happiness,—a future no less brilliant than the past.” STRANGE TASTE.As remarked by a great authority, there is certainly no accounting for taste.A day or two ago Diogenes chanced to be the centre-piece in a circle of lawyers, when the opinion was universally expressed, (strange perversity !) that not one of the crowd would have felt satisfied to be hanged on the evidence that convicted Whelan.A Song for Disappointed Speculators in the oil Regions.“ Oh ! had we some bright little ile of our own,&c.&c.” DIOGENES.February 19, 1869.n - OUR EMBRYO SOLDIERY.Adjutant (of the Regulars) to Military School Cadet Don’t you know that you are not allowed to come on parade in this state?You must shave, Sir,-unless you are growing a beard.” Cadet (immensely relieved :)—“ Oh ! I’ve been growing a beard for the last fortnight, Sir ! ” PLAY THEM OUT.Diogenes remembers hearing in his youth, of Pan blowing his conch shell when the Titans were fighting with the Gods, and that the audacious rebels who had stood undaunted against the thunders of Jupiter, fled at the blast of this harsh clarion.And also, that having succeeded so well on that occasion, Pan accompanied Bacchus on his expedition to India, where, at a certain combat, he gave a wild scream, which filled the echoes of the mountains and put the enemy to flight.May not these historical facts be utilized in our own day and country?Supposing that neither the honors lavished on their leader, nor the money lavished on themselves, have any effect,—would it not be well for our Gaelic chieftain to try the rebellious hordes of Nova Scotia with a taste of the bag-pipes ?They will bear a highly favourable comparison with Pan’s conch, at its very worst ; ^nd an excellent opportunity offers for inaugurating and testing the experiment at a certain forthcoming election in the land “near the sea.” REFRESHING INNOCENCE.“ The Scottish Chiefs.”—We have to apologize to our readers for the non-appearance in this week’s issue of the Journal, of the above story.The omission has been occasioned by the detention of the mails last week.It will, however, be continued in the next number.—Huntitigdon Journal.What an exquisite vision of Arcadian simplicity is suggested to the imagination by this editorial note! As the Cynic peruses it, he can scarcely realize the fact that he is living in what is called the 19th century.Sixty long years have elapsed since Jane Porter first published her sentimental twaddle ; and now we have a Canadian Editor writing of “ The Scottish Chiefs” as if it were a new sensational novel appearing by instalments in the pages of “ Belgravia” or “ London Society.” How little do the dwellers in cities know of the almost primitive innocence of country life ! “ The omission has been occasioned by the detention of the mails !” When Diogenes dies, this touching sentence will be found engraved upon his heart. DIOGENES.February iq, 1869.inlll II INI : • tun ' 0BWSOM m mm AN EASY WAY OUT OF THE DIFFICULTY.Respectfully dedicated to the Ladies of S-t J-n the E-g-t 15 DIOGENES.February 19, 1869.BRUTUS AND CASSIUS [Slightly altered.) Cassius - Hon.Sir J.A.M-cd-n-ld.Brutus - “ J-s-ph H-we.John A.—Joseph, I own that I am quite elated That you your former hatred have abated,— For some time past, as you must e’en confess I had not from your eyes that gentleness And show of love, that I was wont to have— A gentleman you’re always—kind and suave.But you’ve borne too stubborn and’too strange a hand Over your friend that loves you, since that band Of wild Repealers claimed you as their own.But now I see with pleasure that you’ve grown More wise, and therefore ’tis that I employ Some arguments to win you— Mac,—old boy.Joseph.—Be not deceived—although I veiled my look, And every opportunity I took, To rail against the new Confederation, Remember my peculiar situation.Think what it is to see your favourite scheme, The hope of manhood, as it was the dream Of early youth—ta’en up and carried through, By others—Mac, it riled me,—so ’twould you ! I felt that I’d been “ choused,” and for that reason, I railed against you in and out of season ; However, now, I find with some alarm That further agitation may do harm ; I therefore cease it, and declare from now I’m with you heart and hand— (Chorus of Conspirators who enter.) Hurrah for Howe ! TRIANGULAR DUELS.Diogenes commends to the careful consideration of his readers these oracular utterances of the Pall Mall Gazette : “ The three parties which represent Sacerdotalism, Evangelicalism, and Rationalism in the Church of England, differ hopelessly and fundamentally in their whole conception of things, human and divine.They have managed after a fashion to go on together, for the last three hundred years, like dogs in couples, and it is conceivable that if the couples are judiciously arranged, and if the general public which represents the man who holds the end of the leash is very good-tempered and at the same time perfectly firm, they may continue to go on a good deal longer.” It is difficult to understand, all at once, as children say, how three parties can be coupled like dogs.It is evident that there can be only one couple leashed at a time, with an odd dog out ; while, as regards the judicious arrangement of the couples, “ that they may continue to go on a good deal longer,” the three parties cannot possibly furnish more than three different combinations of two at a time, so that the arrangement must, apparently, either come to a speedy end or be continued indefinitely with wearisome monotony.But really all this is distressingly perplexing ; and as Diogenes does not wish to become a drivelling idiot, while frantically endeavouring to discover what the Pall Mall Gazette is driving at, he will at once drop the subject like a hot potato.I 157 “A BOY WANTED.” Wanted,—A sharp and virtuous “ biy,” Standing four feet six inches high— Exactly of a fitting age To wear the jacket of a page.Up to his mistress he must look, And never disobey the cook ; Must clean the plate and rub the table, And mind he never smells of stable.Must run on errands in the town, But first must rub the poney down ; (Though dinner must not wait the least, He must be careful of the beast, For this of Tigers is the doom To be at once both page and groom).He must not, like a stupid cove, Burn silk umbrellas in the stove, And when along the hall he passes, He must not fall and break the glasses : Must stand behind his lady’s chair With something of a footman’s air, And when he takes the coachman’s place, Handle the ribbons with a grace.But if his mistress feel inclined To drive, and bid him sit behind, Must quit the dignity of a man And sink into the “ biy ” again ! And note—he must not be too stout For jumping nimbly in and out ; Whenever he may chance to meet Friends of his mistress in the street, He must be sure to touch his hat, For ladies think so much of that ; In fine, he must be neat and smart, And know his duties all by heart As groom and coachman,—on this head, Enough has been already said.Belonging to the footman’s station Is certain indoor occupation, Which may be now described with brevity ; And first he must beware of levity, And, never in the dining-room, At jokes to laugh, or smile presume ; Breakfast or luncheon, dinner, tea, Must, punctual, to a minute be ; To brush the clothes, he’ll not refuse, And clean no end of boots and shoes And often as the door-bell rings, Promptly untie his apron strings, Collect his wits, and ready be To usher in the company ; And as his duties are so various, His health must never be precarious.An active youth who has a mind, A light and easy place to find, Without delay his steps should wend To X Y Z, at Stanford End, (or any other end.) TO CORRESPONDENTS.Diogenes has received a letter signed Medicus, complaining of certain animadversions in the Witness anent the conduct of Students in the General Hospital.The Cynic recommends correspondents who are aggrieved at the comments of contemporary journals, to address themselves to those journals, at least in the first instance.No honest journalist will refuse to insert a communication because it assails a position he has taken up. 158 DIOGENES.February 19, 1869.AN APPEAL FOR THE DEAF AND DUMB.Deaf ! Not a murmur or a loving word Can ever reach his ear.The raging sea, The pealing thunder, and the cannon’s roar To him are silent—silent as the grave.Not quite ; for, ever, when God takes away He gives in other shape.The tramp of feet, The crash of falling things, the waves of sound Strike on a deaf man’s feeling with a force To us unknown.Vibrations of the air Play through his frame, on sympathetic nerves, Like fine-strung instruments of varied tone.Dumb ! Not a murmur or a loving word Can ever pass his lips.The cry of rage, The voice of friendship, and the vows of love Freeze on his tongue, so impotent of sound.But deem not that intelligence is null In that doomed mortal.Gaze upon his eye— A sneaking eve !—an eve that seems to hear Card Illustrations—No.II.“MONEY NO OBJECT.” It is well known that the Toronto Globe spares neither trouble nor expense in obtaining for its readers the fullest and earliest telegraphic news.But it has a formidable rival in a Montreal journal which habitually exhibits an enterprising spirit that entitles it to the highest credit.The Philosopher of course alludes to the Daily News.Money is no object to that paper when the dearly-bought intelligence is of national importance.In support of his unqualified assertion, Diogenes republishes from the News of last Monday the following : SPECIAL TELEGRAM.FROM KINGSTON.Kingston, February 15.The Carters’ (not cabbies) Driving Club turned out in force on Saturday, and numbered about twenty-five sleighs.The horses’ heads were gaily decorated with various-colored rag streamers, as also were the tips of the whips.Weather mild ; has been raining all morning.Now, it will scarcely be believed that the Daily News was actually the only Montreal paper that went to the expense of a telegraphic dispatch on a subject of such vital interest to all Canadians as an excursion of the Kingston Carters’ Driving Club.The Gazette, Herald, Telegraph and Witness ought to be heartily ashamed of themselves for submitting to be thus distanced in the race of journalism.It is no wonder that the News lately boasted that, by February, its circulation would be something enormous.Its admirably-selected telegrams are the theme of universal admiration, and Diogenes is only echoing the declared sentiments of the public, when he asserts that such astounding enterprise will eventually meet with the reward that it merits.A CRIMINALLY-BAD CONUNDRUM.Under what circumstances may Melvin Foster adopt the motto of the Prince of Wales ?It is quite possible that in the coming billiard-match he’ll lick Dion (Ich Dien) ! DIOGENES DISSENTIENT.Diogenes does not endorse the statement of his friend of Rouge proclivities that, because titles abound in the Administration, the Ministry can only be regarded as a titular Ministry.E’en by observing, and that gathers more From flickering lights and shadows of a face Than duller minds can gain from spoken words.The age of miracles hath past; but man Can summon art and science to his aid, And cause the faculties of sight and touch To act imperfectly for speech and ear.The deaf-mute seems by Nature formed to be A delicate artificer, and skilled In subtle operations of the hand.He can be taught to read, and thus to learn The story of the Present or the Past, Or by quick signs to share his inmost thoughts Chiefly with those for whom he yearneth most, His fellow-suff’rers ! Nay, it sometimes haps That men, like Kitto, reft of senses twain, Have, by their lore, electrified the world, And won the crown of literary fame.Spare not your gifts, ye wealthy of the land, To these afflicted brethren.Ye to whom Heav’n grants that sweetest of all blessings, health, And the keen joys of each corporeal sense, Aid those to whom these blessings are denied, And shed some sunshine o’er their gloomy lives.Let us all tread, as closely as we can, In the blest footprints of that Holy One Who went about for ever doing good, Making the dumb to speak, the deaf to hear.AN OLD FRIEND IN A NEW DRESS.The Protestants and Catholics were fighting for the crown, Up came Johnny Cordner, and knocked them both down ! DOUBLE ACROSTIC.Beyond all price—naught under Heaven Could recompense you tor its loss, Though freely one for you was given And taken on a Jewish Cross.Old as the world, yet new to-day, ’Twill from the first all mortals sever ; So use it well while yet you may, For you and it must part for ever.1.That which we all are in, and all are passing through.2.The French for that one spot where you and I do stand.3.A place where men grow corn, and where men grow rich too.4.When they don’t cultivate this last instead of land.Montreal : Printed for the Proprietor by M.Longmoore, 67 Gt.St.James Street. February 19, 1869.DIOGENES.159 HAIR DRESSERS.ST.LEWIS WARD.NOTICE.TO THE LADIES & GENTLEMEN.THE SUBSCRIBER has 1 received, per last Steamer, 2 Cases of COUDRAY’S PERFUMERY.Also on hand, everything requisite for the Toilet, of the Finest Quality, and at the Lowest Prices.HAIR WORK, in every style.Ladies’ and Gentlemen’s WIGS, BRAIDS,